F.K.S.'s Asshole vs. Douchebag debate.

If you've ever heard of F.K.S. through Deadspin or by luckily falling into it, you're lucky, if not, you'll not get the link here, good luck googling that shit.

I'm going to borrow a rating scale from them to rate many athletes and sports sites. For those who don't know the ratings that guys can fall into, they are as follows:

Asshole, Douchebag, Good Shit, or Badass.

Supposedly Badass is supposed to be an asshole who is cool enough to get away with it, but I'd like to think it also encompasses non-assholes who are kingshits.

Assholes are people who knowingly annoy people, either cause they can't help it, or if they are real assholes because they want to. Douchebags are those who think they are cool but unknowingly are annoying like A-holes but in a generally more whiny way. Good Shits are neutral and are generally good guys who go unnoticed, but don't cause harm. Badasses are self-explanatory, although there is an explanation above.

F.K.S. has defined Assholes and Douches as mutually exclusive, but I disagree. For example, Bonds has been described as an asshole for good reason, he knowingly broke the rules (unless you believe that unknowingly took it BS, and also believe O.J. isn't guilty) and he's almost single-handedly made records worthless when it comes to hitting HR's. However, his constant whining, makes him one of the douchiest baseball players in the sport as well. So therefore we would need to measure Asshole and Douche on an X-Y coordinate system, to show that people can be both audaciously asshole, and whiny douches. So if we only graph points in the positive quadrant with higher numbers being bad, and limiting the scale to 1-10, and keeping with the standards (A,D) for reporting purposes, we would get that Bonds would be probably an (8,9) because I feel that his whininess and comments like "after taxes, I make as much as the next guy" (paraphrased quote) that he is more douche than asshole. Assholes are more brazen and in your face about it. TO would score a higher asshole score like (10,7) because while he is whiny, he is also somewhat pschizo in his bouncing back and forth from being unapologetically assholish, to complaining about being misquoted in his own auto-biography and being generally whiny about it.

Therefore this measures assholes and douches, but a score in the range of 2 or less would be in the area of good shit with a score of (0,0) making you at least eligible for badass. Pujols would be considered a badass, because he doesn't whine about how hard things are and works harder than most if not all ball-players in the league. He's also not brazen and has only had a few assholish moments, such as the Oliver Perez-bat flip incident. Everyone is allowed one or two outbursts, and so the worst Pujols could do is a (1,0) score, but his ridiculous amount of charity work and donations, and the fact that he adopted his wife's kids and took on his child's illness as a personal battle elevates him to awe-inspiring badass level.

Some clarification should come as to whether you are measuring attitude or athletic ability, but I'm going to give my ratings based on the whole package as I see it. Granted this is my own opinion and therefore you may disagree, and I encourage you to make the judgment yourself. Here's where I would rate people in the Cardinals organization with or without a brief explanation and then I'll go into peripherals for the org.

Pujols: (1,0) or (0,0) see explanation above

Edmonds: (3,0) or at most (3,1 or 2) This guy plays injured and doesn't whine. He does make awesome catches, but sometimes showboats, and his swings can be all or nothing. 450 ft blasts or K's on 3 pitches

Encarnacion: (6,3) This guy doesn't work all that hard in the field and doesn't maximize his potential. He's been playing better as of late, and he doesn't whine, but he's an asshole because he infuriates the hustle-loving fan.

Eckstein: (1,2 or 3) This guy won't ever whine, but his lack of an arm and his lack of power is kinda douchey. Note that he's still in the acceptable range, as you would expect for an all-star caliber shortstop. He gets a 1 in asshole for swinging early in the count sometimes.

Marquis: (5,4) He is very up and down on the mound, and while he whined about not being a starter in the playoffs, he is also willing to take a pounding for the team. Granted sometimes he's not so much willing as he is unable to stop it, but you get the point.

Izzy: (4,1) This guy doesn't make excuses for himself and so you'll notice that not much of the guys on this team are very douchey.

That comes with the territory in professional sports. A lot less whiners than in the regular population. However, as sports get less and less "tough" there are more douches. People with pads tend to be more douchey. Soccer is more douchey than football which is more douchey than Baseball. However all have plenty of assholes.

When you get into the sports media, you end up in the arena of douchebag heaven. People making wishy-washy assertions, while acting like they're doing everyone a favor, and acting like they are very superior. For example:

Woody Paige: (3,6) Very knowledgeable, and definitely not an asshole most of the time, but the use of props and overly romanticized and apologetic nature towards sports makes him very douchey.

Skip Bailas (sp?): (6,4) He's much more assertive and assholish, especially with Woody, but he's an apologist for Bonds at times, but is very assholish with regards to the Baseball hall of Fame and who should or shouldn't be there. (the man feels that there is no one that should be in that isn't already and thinks that a lot of guys shouldn't be in there that are.)

Vivaelbirdos (including posters): (2,8) This is a site that is very much about throwing stats out there (updating farm system and constantly seeing things like .234/.345./468 etc.) They aren't assholes to anyone, but if you dig into the comments, you run into more whining than you would expect from Cards fans. It's ok to be pissed at the coach or owners for not making moves or being cheap (such is the lifeblood of a sports fan) but the whining is of an epic level there. And the inappropriate overuse of the term Man-crush is very douchey. Every other poster sees themselves as smarter than Jockety, Duncan, or La Russa. There incessant whining about only being good enough to make it to the playoffs, or even make it to the NLCS or World Series only to get beat would infuriate any Indians, Royals, or Brewers fan. The ingrates say they'd rather suck than make it to the playoffs and look bad. These are fans that have become spoiled, and don't accurately represent the bulk of Cards nation that has earned the reputation for being "the best fans in baseball."
These fans are douchey on the level of Yankees or Red Sox fans, but don't have the cahones to at least be a little bit more assholish about it. I'd rather have an arrogant (8,2) than a whiny (2,8) because as F.K.S. has stated, at least Assholes are usually productive. Douches just whine and take up space, and are usually hyper-critical of assholes that are actually trying to accomplish something.

Yankees as a team and organization: (8,3) I hate the Yankees and don't want to give them props. They are assholes, but they are classy in the sense that there is not a lot of room for bitching, with the exception of the owner. The team just looks like a bunch of a-holes, but surprisingly their fans are a different matter.

Yankees fans (not all, and not exclusively NY'ers because they are higher on the asshole scale, and not even the handful of fans I know personally because they don't whine but for the prototype fan): (7,6) Yanks fans like Boston fans are assholes, as are a lot of Mets and Cubs fans. The difference is the whininess when they don't win. This team has won more championships than any other North American team in any other North American sport throughout the history of the time, and yet they still had the nerve to boo Jeter in a down season. It takes a level of douchery that is unmatched by most fans to be that idiotic, but notice that the whininess never elevates over the status of a-hole.

Cubs and Beantown fans are more (6,7) because they cry about curses and won't own up to the fact that they're willing to go see this team and support it no matter how bad it sucks, and even when the team makes decent move, they bitch till the cows come home. It's lose lose. Bad team still makes money, and good aspects of the team get no praise. They will always be a hated team, but unlike the year Boston made it and won, only hopeless romantics and Cubs fans will root for the Cubs to win the series if they ever get close. For Boston a lot more people were behind them - NY fans, and Cards fans, both for obvious reasons. And probably even a lot of Cards fans didn't mind the loss, although they hated the sweep. However, Boston has become more arrogant and assholish since they won.

Matthew Leach: (3,1) Mild mannered and well-informed, Leach is a good site for Cards fans. He's not overly bitchy and know-it-all like previously mentioned fans and states complaints in an acceptable format. Have to give him some numbers just because only Albert gets a 0,0 type rating. Gotta have one of the media good guys in there right?

John Kruk: (5 or 6,2) Sometimes apologist (gets a 2 for it) but always assertive, even when he doesn't know what he's talking about, Kruk is more asshole than douche, although thinking back to his pathetic at bat vs. Randy Johnson in an all-star game where Johnson made him look like a pitcher, he'd score a high douche for that moment.

Harold Reynolds (2,4): This guy loves to love people, and doesn't want to be too harsh on anyone else. Probably explains why he is off of Baseball tonight now. He's not overly douchey although he's in the crowd of apologists also, and he's too-mildly mannered for the analyst position. Being a sports analyst almost requires that you be an asshole. Look at Kruk, Phillips. Boldness and assholishness isn't a bad thing in this position, it's preferred so that you can make your assessment even if it's factually inaccurate.

Me: (4,3) I'll admit that I have some douchey tendencies that I need to work on. I'm more prone to complain about work rather than just do it, although the work will get done. I'm also very conservative, which on the scale of life, makes you more assholish than most (at least in the eyes of libs.) I value reality and results over destructive compassionism. That makes me more asshole. I can also laugh at a joke that is made about race, sex, or disability, so that makes me another tick asshole. However, I don't believe in gay ass naming of children, hyphenated names when you get married, or making excuses for other assholes. Let everyone answer for themselves.

From now on, when I list an athlete, I will mention their rating in (X,Y) format (if applicable, some athletes aren't as well known and they aren't big name enough to have a formal rating like Chris Duncan of the Cards.)

Other huge ratings that come to mind:

Canseco (8,6) less douchey than Owens or Bonds, but pretty damn bad because of reality TV, and you're going to get a high rating if you write a "tell-all" book. It's usually something done by people who are bitter, and is rarely constructive.

Albert Belle (8,5): This guy cheated even when he was strong enough to hit balls 400 feet. Apparently the cork was to hit it 450. He also was accused of stalking a woman and is not in jail. *note* these ratings are in the world of sports, if you had to prorate these people to real-world a-holes like Hitler, they would fall much lower.

I'm using the sliding scale for sports where 10 would be reserved for only the most douchey or asshole people, and only for one or two specific moments. Bonds salary comments which are similar to Spreewell's comments would rank as a 10 for the moment, but since they don't always produce at that level, you can't really rate them as highly all the time.

Spreewell (9,7) Choked a coach, said that his kids would starve if he only made X million dollars vs. XX million dollars. Rates high in Asshole and douchery.

Most sports agents (6-8, 7-9) Agents are assholes no doubt, but the pride-swallowing, excuse making aspect is very much more douchey, although some are a little less douchey and more asshole like lawyers.

Hopefully you get the picture and can go about your day rating people on the asshole-douche scale I have set up.

For the love of fake sports

(picture courtesy of MLB.com)

Apparently David Eckstein is a fan of Pro-Wrestling, and I know it's a sport that Joel and I, as well as millions of others, love as well. In honor of that, I made this picture. Eat your heart out all you guys at VivaElBirdos.com, this one is for you.

It had to be you...

As we all know, losing the greatest player in baseball is going to make your team worse off. Especially when he accounts for 1/3 or more of your runs on a regular basis. St. Louis, however, has responded offensively and would have had two great "non-Albert" wins if not for the shoddy bullpen work, and "becoming-more-common" Izzy meltdown. Check out VivaElBirdos.com to see a great conversation on this topic. Unfortunately, opinions range from the more moderate and level-headed: "It's only one game, he still leads the NL in saves, and who else is going to do better?" to the much more irrational: "Bench the bum and close with Wainwright."

The problem with the second sentiment is compounded by the idiocy that these are the same people that are bitching to have Reyes starting right now. While I'll agree that Reyes should have a starting spot, I beleive it's asinine to call for Izzy to be benched (surprisingly for the same reason.) Reyes should be starting to see if he's an MLB caliber pitcher (which we've seen he is) and to make it easier to deal from a place of strength to trade a pitcher for another bat. If we aren't desparate, we won't get taken to the cleaners. The same argument for Reyes development and the overall health (present and future) should then logically be made for Wainwright. I know these same people want to see Wainwright as a starter next year. That will be a tougher transition if he is made the closer either interrim or permanently. If he is great, why move him out, and you lose the much more valuable starting arm. If he gets rocked (a great possibility given Wainwright's limited exposure and the fact that La Russa has not put him in high stress situations yet.) then he is ruined for the long term possibly and is turned into a Farnsworth, and he loses all value for the team as a pitcher and a trading item. Unfortunately many fans freak out after a couple blown saves and aren't willing to work with Izzy. Granted I'm frustrated as hell at Izzy's performance, but what are the options. If you are a smart fan, you know Wainy is out. I know Papelbon is working for Boston, but at what cost? Now Boston has to find a much more expensive spot to fill: starting pitching. I'd rather have a 10-15 win guy than a 25-30 save guy next year.

After the Wainwright option, there is Looper (horrible against lefties), Thompson (not putting up good innings, and doesn't have dominate stuff), Tyler Johnson-Josh Hancock-Randy Flores: NO, NO, NO. For those fans that are angry at Izzy for his two recent bad outings, look at the fact that he had a stellar May where he went 10 for 10 in SO and only allowed 7 hits in 11 appearances including a tough 2 innings that helped extend a game long enough for the Gooch to come through with a game-winning hit. However, short-sighted fans are overlooking his recent success because that was while the team was riding the high of taking over first place and looking like they were going to run away with the division again. Now with Pujols out, every win will be a struggle, so now a blown save seems like a nuclear holocaust on the ballfield. Let cooler heads prevail and wait this one out. Trust me... "This too will pass."

I'm back from Hawaii and boy am I pissed

First I had to suffer through ESPN's outside the lines comparison of Pujols and Bonds. To Bonds credit, he praised Pujols, and Pujols being a class act himself, lent support to Bonds. Sports writers than started a whisper of Pujols and steroids, and then reported that there were whispers. Of course there are fucking whispers, you are the ones whispering you idiots. Anywho... I'll let that go, Pujols is called "The Natural" for more than one reason (I'll let you figure it out) and I'm not going to dwell on the negative. I will however, accentuate the ridiculous. Today Clemens signed with the (we will be fooled again) Astros for 14 million dollars for the rest of the season. That means he gets 14 million for 2 months less than a full season, without a preseason, and with no game-time this year whatsoever. I hope he gets rocked like a hurricane and makes himself and the Astros look like chumps. Maybe someone will call it like it is and call Clemens a greedy bastard, but the only person with balls on Baseball tonight is Phillips. Reynolds and Kruk suckle at the teat of baseball stars and go with the flow. Even when it was obvious that the only people who would cheer on Bonds 715th homer were in San Francisco and ESPN corporate headquarters, Phillips was the only one with the balls enough to say that there will always be a question mark with Bonds because he hit nearly 300 home runs after the age up 35, whereas he only hit a little over 400 in over 10 full seasons at the beginning of his career. He rightly said that it isn't natural and that it's a shame. Kruk did note that he had goosebumps during Aaron's homer, and had no similar feelings for Bonds. Reynolds only lamented that it was sad there was so little celebration. I've grown to have more respect for Bonds, and I think it is sad how his career's accomplishments have mostly been brushed aside by the vast majority of fans. But I still count myself part of that pack, and I personally wish the man had never played the game. His A-hole demeanor and the way he stands and admires homers should have earned him so many pitches in the earhole, but people are afraid to throw at Bonds because of his protected status. We'll see how this plays out, but baseball is the only one losing from the ESPNification of sports. ESPN has ruined sports for many fans, and they have taken the tragedy of Bonds and tried to bury the sport of baseball by championing Bonds while talking out the side of their mouth with sports writers that are rabid about steroids. They are the worst kind of hypocrite because they make millions off of playing both sides of the fence.

Sometimes I think I am a little girl

Before you get all judgmental regarding that title, let me explain myself.

The Cardinals are playing their most important series so far in this early season. I never thought that I would be saying that while they are playing the Mets, but it is a pretty good post-season preview. Maybe not a full-on preview, because the Cardinals will probably get another bat (like rumors are saying) to play left field, but you get the idea. Anyway, it is a good test to see what the Cardinals are made of and look at who is standing in their way to representing the National League in the World Series. So, the intensity for this series is definitely present.

Watching the game last night and listening to Joe Buck ramble, I thought about a lot of stuff to say during this post. For one, the Cardinals could not hit Steve Trachsel. STEVE FREAKIN' TRACHSEL. This is a guy who went into the game with a damn near 5 ERA, and the Cardinals could only manage to score one run against the guy. Watching this, I couldn't help but think to myself that the Cardinals should win this division easily and thus make it to the playoffs, but what after that? They may not stand a chance against anyone else. Yes, they got the great Pujols who has 19 home runs, 48 RBIs, 40 runs in 40 games, but the rest of the team is not doing their job. The rest of the team has 22 home runs. Sure, Pujols can carry this team to win the division, and thus Pujols winning the MVP again this year. But, you need to have more than one offensive weapon in the playoffs. The top two pitchers are there in Carpenter and Mulder, but after that, you have 3 other pitchers who are very hittable, 2 of them can be hit hard in late innings. When Suppan and Ponson tire, they get pounded. Marquis needs to go and quick. Why not trade him to pitching-poor Texas for one of their power hitting outfielders (wet dreams of Kevin Mench are coming). I was thinking of elaborating more on this while watching the game last night, then it was over and the Cardinals won 1-0.

Enter the things I now need to say. I was wrong thinking these things. Mulder pitched possibly his second-best game as a Cardinal last night (best game was last year in another 1-0 victory in which he lasted 10 innings). He held that potent New York offense scoreless and only a handful of hits until he got in trouble in the ninth. Enter Jason Isringhausen, bases loaded, one out. Struck out the Cardinal Killer of the Mets, David Wright, and got Cliff Floyd to ground weakly to King Albert. This shows me that come crunch time, the Cardinals can step it up. They only had about 5 or 6 hits (I don't remember right now), but they still managed to squeak out a win without relying on Albert. Yes, Albert drew the walk, but it was Scott Rolen plugging the HUGE gap in Left-Center to drive him in. This shows the ability of the offense, not relying on the long ball to score runs, but plugging holes when they need to be plugged, driving in runs, and so on. This was a huge win for St. Louis, now we will just see if Marquis and the Cardinals can beat up on the 9 + ERA of Jose Lima.

So as you can see, my mind was a rollercoaster last night (hence the title of the post). Do I think that the Cardinals will make it to the playoffs? Absolutely. Do I think that they can make it to the World Series this year? I'm still not 100% sure. They have a lot of work to do. Whatever comes out of it, I just don't want to be biting my finger nails and pissing my pants again.

Idiots abound, but the dude abides

I'm not "cool as the other side of the pillow" as the black black Stewart Scott would say, (booyah, did i mention he's black? Did he mention it yet?) Although I'm not cool, I have been calm and collected with regards to my statements about who is and isn't overrated. Apparently the idiots in Houston were not... They made the mistake of thinking that, since Oswalt had retired Pujols 2 times earlier in the game, that it was safe to make asses of themselves by chanting "overrated." Now my memory has failed me at times, but I am pretty sure and crystal clear in my memory of the 500+ foot blast that Pujols hit over the train tracks the last time he was in Houston off of supposedly "lights out" Lidge. Astros fans had the sheer audacity and downright stupidity to claim that Pujols is overrated? The man who came in 3 HR's above anyone else in the majors, who came in with the lead in RBI's as well, and a .330+ batting average. Oh yeah, he's also second in the majors and first in the NL in runs scored. If it weren't for Hafner on the stacked Indians lineup, Pujols would easily have that stat also. Overrated? He then proceded to put a dent in the brick wall behind the Crawford boxes with a linedrive shot that would have been out in any stadium, not just the pussy short wall of Houston's stadium.

I will tell you who is overrated from last nights game. Lance Berkman, who has had more than twice as many hits at home as on the road, has 70 points higher batting avg at home than on the road, and more homers and all other stats at home vs. road stats. For years Todd Helton has been underrated because he always has better stats at home than on the road. By this logic, you also have to handicap Berkman's numbers, because he hits in a little league park at home, and his numbers show that. Pujols also has good numbers at Minutemaid, and his average and HR per at bat in Minutemaid make Berkman look like a chump. Also, the cheapass nickname of "Lights out" Lidge needs to be revisited, because he's got an ERA over 6 now, and has been very "Lights on, Go, Go, Go." So let's dispense with the overrated comments for Pujols. If anything, the guy is still underrated, because so much of the media whores' attention is being directed to Bonds, along with the players in NY, Boston, Chicago, and the West coast. The Midwest is regularly ignored, and it's interesting that my prediction about Papelbon started to come to fruition last night. He lost his first game and let up his first run of the season. Some of you may say: "But Rob, he didn't give up a run in April, and he still has great numbers." Well the same could be said about Brandon Lyons for the D-backs who was nearly perfect for the first 10 saves he got last year when he came up, and started this season very well before getting knocked around a couple times.

Basically what has happened is that Papelbon is a good young pitcher, and no one had a scouting report on him. But like many good young pitchers, hitters eventually get tape on you and can study your pitches, they make adjustments, and the only way Papelbon will be the closer that every idiot at ESPN has made him out to be already, is if he is able to make adjustments more regularly and more quickly than the hitters in the AL. However, don't expect it, because you only see one or two absolute lights out closers in any generation. We had them in Gagne and Riveira. I may not have liked the Yankees closer, but he was virtually unhittable in the playoffs. Gagne also has the tools and mindset that made him a dominant closer, however, if he returns without the arm, it will effect the other two aspects greatly, and his great closing days may be done. Papelbon and any aspiring young closers could take a lesson from the two truly great closers of our generation: Have more than 3 pitches that you are willing to throw to all hitters, and have at least 2 pitches that you can throw in any count that can get batters out. Gagne always had a fastball, cutter, changeup, slider, and slower curve. His Fastball, Changeup, and hard slider were his out pitch, and so in a jam, a batter couldn't load up on one pitch. If you have to go to the fastball or go to the slider when you are in trouble, then hitters will sit on one pitch. Papelbon hasn't established himself yet, except in the minds of the ESPN talking heads, which means absolutely nothing.

Mr. April?

I'm not one to buy into nicknames, especially if they are self-imposed (that's right, you heard my A-nal-rod), but this nickname seems fitting, for one of the hottest starters in the game over his first 5 years. If you don't know who I'm talking about, you either don't read the blog, or don't know me very well, because I'm talking about Albert the Great, or Prince Albert, or Albert "winnie the" Pujols (if you're gay like Chris Berman.) Whatever you call him, he's never late to the season, because he starts hotter than any player in recent or ancient history. His 14 HR in April is a record, and the 32 RBI's is tops in the majors, but more than this, he's given all of baseball a story that can keep our minds off Bonds' steroids-run at the Babe (sounds like something off of the movie "The Program" if you haven't seen it, add it to your netflix queue and get in the know.)

There is more good news for St. Louis fans. The Cards are 5-1 over their last 6 games, and all of them are without Rolen. The next two series feature the other two players in the NL Central right now, and if the Cards play... uh... their cards... right, they could have a commanding lead coming out the back end of this week (sorry for that disturbing visual.) They are facing the Reds for two, and then the 'stros for two, with both of these series on the road, before getting a break with a 3 game series in Florida vs. the Marlins. The fun thing, is that Pujols could be closing in on, or could already have 20 HR, by the time he comes home again. He's facing some "decent" pitching in Arroyo, Oswalt, and Pettitte, but he's going to be in some hitter-friendly parks, and since these pitchers have good images of themselves, they'll all mistakenly think they can get Pujols out consistently, or they will at least want the chance to pitch to him is lower-risk situations (with no one on, or big deficits or leads.) He's proved most pitchers wrong that have thought that this year. Combine that with Minutemaid park (Pujols's home away from home) where he's hit 14 HR in his 5+ years (3rd most for Pujols in a ballpark outside of Busch and PNC) and you have a recipe for disaster; if you are an Astros fan. Pujols has been pulling more Homers this year than usual, which again benefits him with the Crawford seats in Houston being 100 ft from home plate. They are actually 315, but they play like a little league field. Honestly expect multiple homers out of the next couple series, or look forward to multiple walks if they are smart.

Pujols now leads the league in RBI's, HR's, Walks, and leads the NL in Runs. I wonder if that is enough to win the MVP, or will the create a new stat for Bonds to win it with the new Bitch stat calculated by bone chips + Games sat out + TV Shows + cheesy ESPN segments highlighting career accolades.